The Funny Section

According to the Austin American-Statesman, the lawyers for Michael Richard, a former Texas death row inmate, have reason to be upset.  On a September day, merely moments after the court accepted the lethal-injection case, Michael Richard’s lawyers rushed to file a stay with the Texas Court of Criminal Appeal and promised delivery by 5:20 p.m.  The court clerk replied, “We close at 5″.  The petition for a stay didn’t end up making it, and Richard was executed at 8:23.

Hillary Clinton gets elected President and while spending her initial night in the White House, the ghost of America’s 1st President, George Washington, appears.

Hillary, slightly stunned, asks, “How can I best serve my country?”

Washington replies, “Never tell a lie.”

Hillary retorts, “I don’t think I can do that”.

The second night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson appears before the former crazy senator from new york.

Mrs. Clinton questions, “How can I best serve my country?”

Jefferson answers, “Listen to the people.”

“No, I’d rather not.  I really want to push my agenda,” answers President Clinton.

On the third night, the ghost of Abe Lincoln appears before Mrs. Clinton.

Hillary again asks for this advice, “How can I best serve my country?”

Lincoln says, “Go to the theater.”

Clinton jokes:

- On the campaign trail Clinton claimed she was against NAFTA even though her husband was for it.  This marked the first thing Hillary was against that Bill was for, other than MILFs.

- Republicans attacked Hillary’s plan to give every baby in America $5,000.  Said top Republicans, what babies need are jobs, not handouts.

- In Carl Bernstein’s recent biography of Hillary Clinton, Bernstein claimed Clinton planned to divorce the first lady. Asked why she stayed married, Hillary was quoted as saying, ‘There are worse things than infidelity.’  Yeah chimed in Bill, like fidelity.

According to Reuters News Service, the only survivor of a certain species of tortoises at the Galapagos Islands is named “Lonesome George”.  Biologists who have been studying the tortoise say that although George may live another 100 years, it’s unlikely he will ever mate.  The biologists have gone to great lengths to help George along, but say he remains uninterested.  Attempts to reenergize George have included having randy young male and female tortoises demonstrate mating for him followed by many attempts to pair him up with a female tortoise.

According to the Sydney Morning Herald, Eyal Gur, a famous Israeli plastic surgeon said that within the next year he expects his revolutionary breast-lift procedure, a.k.a. an internal bra, to be approved.  The procedure only takes forty minutes long and fits a thin titanium bra-like frame with silicone cups to hold the breasts up just under the woman’s skin.  The doctor claims that the procedure will be both less invasive and less expensive than modern breast lifts.